“The man who hates and divorces his wife does violence to the one he should protect,” says the LORD Almighty.

Malachi 2:16

Divorce. I’ve never liked the word. I’ve never had a heart for those who seemingly gave up on their marriage…and I never thought it would happen to me.

Initially, I had created this Blog as a way to write out and share God’s faithfulness in the midst of a trial. It was my miscarriage in January of 2012 that launched me into the World of Blogging, and to date, all of my posts have stemmed from that experience.

What I wasn’t willing to write about came just one year later in January of 2013 when my husband of 18 years said he was done and wanted a Divorce. It had been a really rough year for us, but in truth, years before the miscarriage had been hard as well.

Despite my attempts to look the other way and ignore the vast differences in our faith, values, parenting style and overall life direction; I could not stop what had been tearing down over time.

But then slowly and subtly life’s hardships happen and with each trial, a block is removed, compromising the firm foundation. I made attempts to mortar back these open spaces with suggestions of Counseling, Marriage Retreats, or joining a couple’s Bible Study. Hoping desperately that we could grow in wisdom and benefit from structural support and accountability outside of ourselves.

I, too, had played a critical part in removing blocks from our structure. I somehow convinced myself that if I believed the tower could remain standing (even without maintenance) – it would.  For me, divorce was never an option. I took “until death do us part” seriously. Perhaps that false sense of security added to the weakening of our structural foundation. I would have stayed and done whatever steps were needed to not break our family apart. I see now that after 19 years of marriage I was slowly losing my identity and becoming a lesser version of the woman I was designed to be.

My husband could no longer see the value in our marriage. I begged him to rebuild and he told me it would be easier to build anew somewhere else. I was devastated, but refused to try and talk someone into loving me.

So, as instructed by my Christian Therapist, “I needed to let him go.” In the depths of my heart I still loved my husband, and this request seemed impossible. But I had spent the last year watching what God could do with the death of my baby, and somehow knew He would remain Sovereign in the death of my marriage.  By January 2014 our Divorce was final and I was still trying to let go.

Seeing the official stamp on a document that divided up all the Jenga Blocks we had built together into a His Pile and Her Pile was a strong dose of reality that our game had ended. Reading these new Rules of Instruction on how time once spent together as a family would now be split up, broke my heart. Despite my signature on the dotted line, it is not the path I had chosen…yet clearly the one I am on.

Moving forward, I will rely on the Lord to fill this massive void in my heart. I pray God’s hand of guidance, protection, and unwavering love hold me together, yet again.

Just as hope and beauty came out of my desire to be vulnerable in my Miscarriage, I pray that others will read my heart and fight for their own marriages. Or, perhaps, be comforted in knowing that (like me) if the blocks have all fallen down, you are not alone.

If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.

Matthew 10:14